


Dear Diary

by curlyismywonderwall (orphan_account)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Is it obvious, M/M, Pining, Reality, Slow Burn, Sorta open ending?, Take Me Home Tour, The X Factor Era, Unrequited Love, Up All Night Tour, can you tell, i honestly don't know how to tag, mostly angst, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 18:14:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7584853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/curlyismywonderwall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where we find out what exactly went down behind closed doors from 2010 to 2015 via Harry's diary entries.</p>
<p>Also known as the one where Harry gets his heart broken too many times over the course of four years before things finally go his way.</p>
<p>Disclaimer: My timeline is way off, but I did my best.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Diary

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic on AO3, so I hope you guys like it! Leave feedback, kudos, and anything else you want :)
> 
> Tumblr: starryskylouis  
> Twitter: BraveryByLarry

_2010_

‘Dear Diary,  
Gem says this is a girly thing to do, but I don’t care. Today I audition for X-Factor, and even though I’m nervous, I have a good feeling about it. Wish me luck. x’

‘Dear Diary,  
I made it! I’m on to the next round! How amazing is that? Mum and Gem took me out to have some fun when we found out. We went to my favorite place to eat, then saw a movie. I can’t wait to see how this goes!’

‘Dear Diary,  
This week didn’t go so well. I didn’t make it through to the next round. Or at least, I thought I didn’t. It was me and a few other guys - Niall, Liam, Louis, and Zayn - and we were all kicked off, then brought back out and put into a group. How crazy is that! I hope they’re all nice. We didn’t get too long to talk.’

‘Dear Diary,  
I just got done hanging out with the boys and they’re all amazing! Niall is hilarious, Liam is so kind, Zayn is a bit mysterious if I do say so myself, and Louis… Louis’s just perfect all around, I think. He’s funny and loud and also kinda cute. Not that I’m gay or anything. I had a girlfriend last year, did I tell you? Louis and I are best friends now.’

'Dear Diary,  
Today was our first practice together as a group, and we all sound so good! They’re all so talented. Louis’s voice is so nice and calming. Everyone loves him. I can’t wait to see what our performance sounds like!’

'Dear Diary,  
I know it’s been a while, but I’ve been so caught up with practices and having fun that I got carried away. But good news: We made it through! I think we have a good chance at winning. Last night, me and Louis stayed up all night because we were nervous, but we talked and now I feel closer to him than ever. He told me all about his family and he even told me this really big secret that I can’t tell anyone. Not even you. Time to go practice some more. Wish me luck!’

'Dear Diary,  
Do you think it’s wrong to be gay?’

'Dear Diary,  
I’m having a little bit of trouble. It’s about Louis. I think I might like him, like as more than a friend. He’s just so amazing, you know? He makes me happy. He’s my best friend. But I’m not gay… I don’t think I am, anyway. I wish you could talk. I could use a friend outside of this band. We’re called One Direction, by the way.’

'Dear Diary,  
He kissed me. I definitely like him, and I’m definitely gay. Or bi. I like Louis Tomlinson.’

'Dear Diary,  
This was our last week here at X-Factor, because we got kicked off. We made it to third place though. That’s gotta mean something. Me and Louis haven’t spoken about the kiss and we haven’t done it again. If anything, he’s become a bit more… reclusive, I guess? But it’s only around me. He’s leaving me, and I don’t want him to. I think this is the end for us.’

_2011_

'Dear Diary,  
We got a recording deal! Simon offered it to us because apparently we had such a wide fanbase that he saw potential in us. We’re moving to London now, and I’m moving in with Louis. We’re starting to talk a bit more, but things feel awkward. I miss him.’

'Dear Diary,  
I met this really nice girl last night. She’s pretty, but not as pretty as Lou. She doesn’t have his blue eyes, or his smile, but she’s nice. We traded numbers. Maybe it’ll work out.’

'Dear Diary,  
It’s getting a bit unbearable now. Louis goes out every night and brings home another guy, and I’m stuck here alone listening while they have sex or whatever. It’s always awkward in the mornings when they’re leaving and I’m here. They never think that anyone else lives with Louis. He deserves better than them, but he won’t stop. Maybe I should talk to him about it.’

'Dear Diary,  
We got into our first fight because I mentioned all the one night stands. He told me that I wasn’t his mother and that I couldn’t tell him what to do, then I told him that I only cared, and he said that maybe he didn’t want me to. Then he slammed his door shut and he hasn’t come back out of his room since. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. I’ll learn.’

'Dear Diary.  
It’s been three days of radio silence from Louis, but tonight he came home with another man. Both of them were drunk. I laid out two aspirin on the kitchen table just in case Louis needs them. I’m going to meet Caroline tonight. I hope it goes well.’

'Dear Diary,  
Progress has been made! Louis said thank you to me for the aspirin, and then we sat and talked about the new album that’s gonna be released soon. Can you believe it? We’re gonna have an album out! And I think I’m getting my best friend back. It’s been a good day.’

'Dear Diary,  
I stopped talking to Caroline. It wasn’t fair to her for me to keep leading her on. I love Louis. I realize that now, and I don’t want to hurt anyone else. Maybe someday I’ll tell Louis about my feelings. Do you think he’d be mad?’

'Dear Diary,  
I had a dream about Louis last night. It wasn’t just any dream though… I woke up with a bit of a problem, if you get what I’m saying. And now whenever I look at him, I get all red and nervous and I’m scared it’s gonna make things tense between us again. I don’t want to mess this up.’

'Dear Diary,  
It’s currently 5 a.m. and I haven’t been to sleep yet. I keep drinking coffee, but my eyes are getting heavier. I don’t want to dream of him again. I can’t stand it. Not when I can’t wake up beside him too.’

'Dear Diary,  
Simon gave Louis a fake girlfriend. A beard, I think he called it, because apparently Louis was “too gay.” I got so angry. Liam had to walk me out before the meeting was even over, but I hate thinking that a big part of Louis is being hidden away like it’s something to be ashamed of. But every part of him is beautiful. I wish I could tell him.’

'Dear Diary,  
Louis is constantly out with his new girlfriend, Eleanor. She seems nice enough, but I just can’t seem to get close to her. If anything, I wish I was in her position. Holding hands with Louis, spending the night with him… That should be me.’

_2012_

'Dear Diary,  
Louis took me out for my birthday last night and we got a bit drunk… I don’t remember too much about what happened, but I woke up naked in his bed this morning. I got up before he was awake, got all my things, and went to the bathroom to take a shower, where I promptly threw up. I love Louis. Does he love me, or did he just want me because I was there? Does he even remember it? I cried while I washed off the remnants of the night before, and now I’m in my room and I don’t plan on leaving. Louis hasn’t checked on me yet. Maybe he doesn’t care.’

'Dear Diary,  
Louis eventually came in and checked on me. We laid together and watched movies, but neither one of us said anything about the night before. I still don’t know if he remembers. As of right now, he’s trying to make dinner for us. Nothing has been burned yet from what I can smell, but the night’s still young.’

'Dear Diary,  
I can’t do it anymore. I have to talk to him. He has to know.’

'Dear Diary,  
He’s gone. Moved out. I told him how I felt, and he told me that he didn’t feel the same and that he was sorry. He thought that some time away from each other would help me to move on, but now all I can focus on is how quiet the house is and how much bigger it seems without Louis to fill in the gaps. I still make two cups of tea in the morning before I remember that he’s gone and I pour one out. I haven’t been to a rehearsal in a week. Liam calls every day to check on me, and I answer most of the time. He says I can take my time to feel better. I told him I was sick. I can’t be alone. I miss Louis.’

'Dear Diary,  
I’m in love with Louis. This distance isn’t doing anything but helping me to realize that. My new routine is unhealthy, I’ll admit, but I can’t bring myself to change it. Maybe I’ll get back to the band sometime soon.’

'Dear Diary,  
I only made one cup of tea.’

'Dear Diary,  
I returned today. Got out of bed, got showered, put on fresh clothes, and got to rehearsal. I didn’t even look over at Louis, because I knew if I did, I’d return to the state of mind that I’m trying so hard to claw myself out of. It’s hard. I could feel him staring at me, and it took everything in me not to run for him.’

'Dear Diary,  
I showed up early, expecting him to show up late as usual, but he was there waiting. He apologized, over and over, but I just shrugged and told him I was over it. I told him that a little time alone was all I needed. I lied. Aren’t you proud of me?’

'Dear Diary,  
The boys are worried about me. Liam says I don’t smile as much anymore. Maybe I’m not as good at pretending as I think I am. I’ll get better.’

'Dear Diary,  
We’re on tour now and I’ve learned how to forget. I go out on nights we don’t have shows - or even after the shows - and I get drunk, and some lucky lady comes back to the hotel with me. Never a man, though. I can’t risk it. It works, for what it’s worth. For a while.’

'Dear Diary,  
I can’t live like this anymore. I hate being known as the womanizer. It doesn’t work anymore. I only want Louis.’

_2013_

'Dear Diary,  
Happy New Year.’

'Dear Diary,  
Me and Louis are sharing a room for the first time in a long time while we’re in America. Nashville, I think. Maybe Charleston. I’ve lost track. He’s in the bed opposite mine and neither one of us have said a word.’

'Dear Diary,  
Today when I woke up, Louis actually spoke to me. He didn’t apologize, but I could see it in his eyes that he wanted to. Instead, he just asked me what I wanted to order from room service. I still remembered his order, but I remember every little thing about him. He just didn’t care enough to remember. After he looked away, I walked to the bathroom and cried in the shower. If he noticed afterward, then he didn’t say anything. I miss him.’

'Dear Diary,  
The fans are starting to notice something’s wrong. I really gotta get better at this.’

'Dear Diary,  
Me and Louis aren’t complete strangers anymore. We talk sometimes, which is way more than before. He’s changed a bit, but the same silly boy I fell in love with is still there, just more contained. More mature. I love him even more.’

'Dear Diary,  
He’s out again today for the first time in a long time with Eleanor. They’re out shopping, I think, while me and the lads all relax together. We order takeout and joke around just like old times. None of them mention Louis because they’re too scared of how I would react. They’ve caught on by now.’

'Dear Diary,  
They had sex. Maybe Louis had gotten desperate or maybe he’s not as gay as we’d originally thought, but they had sex. They were in the room right next to mine, so I heard everything. I couldn’t make myself put on my headphones. I just laid in bed curled up in a ball and cried as I listened to it all. At least now I know for sure he doesn’t love me, if I ever had any doubt in the first place.’

'Dear Diary,  
It’s nearly Louis’s birthday. I don’t know what to get him, because everything that comes to mind seems to romantic and makes it too obvious that I still have feelings for him. I just want to show him that I still care about him and that I remembered his birthday.’

'Dear Diary,  
He turned 22 today. I wish he was spending his special day with me instead of someone that he doesn’t even really love. But then again, maybe he doesn’t love me either.’

_2014_

'Dear Diary,  
We finally got a break and we’re all at our own homes with our families for the first time since tour started. It’s nice to be back where I feel loved and welcomed. Even if Gemma still makes fun of me for having a diary. We made cupcakes today. I thought of Louis.’

'Dear Diary,  
Last night, we had a small little get-together with our family and a few of my childhood friends. We had a fire outside and I played guitar. I felt happier than I had in a long time. I thought of Louis.’

'Dear Diary,  
I hate sleeping, because every night, I dream of Louis. I really need to move on. It’s hard to when I can’t even look at him without my heart hurting. I wrote a song about him. I hope he’ll like it. Don’t let me go, Louis.’

'Dear Diary,  
I flew to Australia this time, where we start our second leg of the tour. On the way there, the plane showed Superman. I thought of Louis. I need to stop doing that.’

'Dear Diary,  
The tour so far is going great. Louis seems happier, and that makes me feel a little better. If I can’t have him, then I at least want him to be happy. The fans have noticed that we seem better now. I’m glad I can finally make them happy with us.’

'Dear Diary,  
I shared a room with Louis last night. We talked, and it felt comfortable, just like it used to. Things were nice. He even cuddled with me for a bit before we both got too hot and rolled over to our opposite sides of the bed. Even then, we still held hands on the sheets between us. Do you think things will be okay with us now?’

'Dear Diary,  
Every time we stay at a hotel, we share rooms again. Sometimes in one bed, sometimes in two. We haven’t cuddled as much since the first night, but we joke around more in public than before. The boys are noticing too, and things are almost okay. Louis still goes out with Eleanor, but he always comes home to me. Always.’

'Dear Diary,  
We all spent New Years together. We counted down, and when everyone said “one,” Louis tugged me close and you’ll never guess what happened after. We kissed! Louis actually kissed me! I am in love with Louis Tomlinson, and my life is finally going good.’

_2015_

_'Harry,  
You left your book laying on the kitchen table. I guess it was an accident. I didn’t mean to intrude, but I didn’t know it was your diary. _

_I didn’t know you felt like this, and I didn’t want to make you feel this way. I only ever wanted to make you happy. I just have a bad streak with relationships, and I didn’t want us to get into anything only to end up hurting you._

_You are so beautiful. And all the men that I brought home could never come close to matching you._

_If I could go back, I would change everything. I would make you happy from the very first day I met you. You would never have the chance to feel like this, because you would never doubt how loved, cared for, and wanted - _needed_ \- you were._

_I know I did things that can never be forgiven._

_But I’m sorry._

_And if it means anything anymore, I love you too._  
_-Lou’_

'Dear Diary,  
Louis makes me happy. My heart, my mind, and my soul are Louis’s.  
And now I can say the same for him.’


End file.
